


CAREENING STRAIGHT UP OUR OWN ASSHOLES ON A PATH LONG SINCE ABANDONED BY THE LIGHT OF GOD

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:53:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23494864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Rose solves a mystery.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 27
Kudos: 182





	CAREENING STRAIGHT UP OUR OWN ASSHOLES ON A PATH LONG SINCE ABANDONED BY THE LIGHT OF GOD

tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]  


TT: Karkat.  
CG: ROSE.  
TT: ...  
TT: Is that genuinely all you have to say to me?  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK’S WRONG WITH THAT?  
CG: IT’S YOUR NAME, ISN’T IT?  
CG: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TAKING ISSUE WITH ME SAYING YOUR NAME?  
CG: SINCE WHEN DID THAT BECOME A BIG FUCKING CAPITAL OFFENSE??  
CG: DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY SOMEBODY *ELSE’S* NAME?  
CG: THAT’S PRETTY FUCKING WEIRD IF YOU ASK ME, BUT WHATEVER!  
CG: CHALK IT UP TO INSCRUTABLE HUMAN SHIT, ALONG WITH EVERYTHING ELSE THAT CHAFES MY NOOK RAW AND THREATENS TO DRIVE ME TO AN EVEN EARLIER GRAVE THAN I’M DESTINED FOR AS I’M RIPPED TO SHREDS BY A WHIRLWIND OF THE INSOLENT CHORTLING OF FLYING IMMORTAL DOUCHEBAGS!  
CG: YOU WANT ME TO CALL YOU DIFFERENT NAME?  
CG: FINE!  
CG: WHY DAVE, HELLO!  
CG: TO WHAT DO I OWE THE PLEASURE?  
CG: I THOUGHT YOU WERE OFF DOING FUCK-ALL IN THE WHO-THE-FUCK-KNOWS DISTRICT OF THE YOU-DIDN’T-FUCKING-TELL-ME QUARTER!  
CG: AND YET HERE YOU ARE!  
CG: BACK EARLY!  
CG: AT LEAST IN TEXT FORM!  
CG: DON’T EXPECT ME TO HAVE DINNER ON THE TABLE, ASSHOLE!  
CG: THE SPIRAL CUT OINKBEAST FLANK ISN’T EVEN DONE DEFROSTING.  
TT: Oh, oh this is interesting.  
CG: FUCK YOU!  
CG: ...  
CG: WHAT IS?  
TT: Do you make a habit of playing at domesticity with my brother, Karkat?  
CG: WHAT???  
TT: Does he play along with you, or is this a special vintage you reserve for when his back is turned?  
CG: ROSE, I HAVE NO *FUCKING* IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!!  
TT: I’m sure.  
CG: BUT IF I DID, I’M PRETTY SURE MY RESPONSE WOULD BE A RESOUNDING  
CG: “FUCK”  
CG: FOLLOWED SWIFTLY BY A SOMEHOW EVEN MORE RESOUNDING  
CG: “YOU”  
TT: I see.  
CG: CAN YOU HEAR IT, LALONDE?  
CG: RICOCHETING RIGHTEOUSLY DOWN THE CAVERNOUS METAL HALLS OF THIS PIECE OF SHIT WE LIVE ON?  
CG: GIVE IT A MINUTE.  
CG: I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE FUCK YOU ARE.  
CG: IT MIGHT TAKE A WHILE FOR IT TO REVERBERATE ITS WAY OVER TO YOU.  
CG: BUT TRUST ME.  
CG: IT’S FUCKING COMING.  
TT: Is it?  
CG: YOU BET YOUR ASS IT IS!  
TT: That’s odd.  
TT: I was under the impression this “fuck you” was only going to be released in the unlikely event that you knew what I was talking about.  
CG: WHAT??  
CG: NO!!  
TT: And yet here it is, apparently winging its way toward my poor virginal ears as we speak.  
CG: THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!  
TT: Oh!  
TT: What’s that??  
CG: WHAT???  
TT: I think...  
TT: Yes!  
TT: Yes, I can hear it!  
TT: The unmistakable cacophony of a patented Vantas “Fuck” clanging melodiously around in the hall right outside my door.  
TT: The “You” hasn’t reached me yet. But I trust it to find its way.  
TT: Should I let it in?  
CG: AUUUUGUHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
TT: It would be rude not to, don’t you think?  
TT: And I am nothing, Karkat, if not a gracious host.  
CG: JESUS *FUCK* LALONDE!  
TT: I think you know very well what I’m getting at.  
CG: YEAH  
CG: WELL  
CG: COULD WE NOT, MAYBE?  
CG: IS THERE *ANY* FUCKING CHANCE OF GETTING YOU TO JUST FUCKING DROP THIS?  
CG: INSTEAD OF DOING THAT THING YOU DO?  
TT: And what thing might that be?  
CG: OH LIKE YOU DON’T KNOW!  
TT: Humor me.  
CG: I MEAN FUCKING  
CG: WHIPPING OUT YOUR RIDICULOUS LITTLE MENTAL BURROWCREATURESKINE NOTEBOOK  
CG: AND SCRIBBLING DOWN DAINTY LAVENDER SCENTED NOTES ABOUT ALL THE REVELATIONS ABOUT MY SORRY EXCUSE FOR A PSYCHE  
CG: THAT HAVE ME  
CG: FUCKING  
CG: TRUSSED UP IN AN APRON  
CG: GREETING DAVE AS HE COMES HOME FROM “HUMAN WORK”  
CG: OR WHATEVER THE SHIT OTHER FUCKING MORSELS YOU THINK YOU GLEANED FROM THE TWO GODDAMN SENTENCES I ACTUALLY MANAGED TO SAY TO YOU BEFORE WE WENT CAREENING STRAIGHT UP OUR OWN ASSHOLES ON A PATH LONG SINCE ABANDONED BY THE LIGHT OF GOD???  
CG: COULD WE MAYBE  
CG: JUST  
CG: FUCKING  
CG: DROP IT  
CG: JUST THIS ONCE, ROSE?  
TT: That depends.  
CG: DEPENDS ON *WHAT??*  
TT: On whether you have any useful information for me.  
CG: INFORMATION?  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK??  
TT: Yes. I’m on the hunt for clues.  
TT: You see, Karkat...  
TT: My printer has gone missing.  
CG: OH.  
CG: IT DID?  
CG: I MEAN IT HAS?  
TT: Yes.  
TT: You’re aware of my printer, Karkat.  
CG: YES, OF FUCKING COURSE I AM!  
CG: WHY WOULD I PRETEND I’M NOT?  
TT: You’re right.  
TT: To do so would be highly suspicious.  
CG: EXACTLY!  
TT: ...  
TT: Karkat.  
TT: Please.  
TT: This is insulting to both our intelligences.  
CG: OH REALLY?  
CG: BECAUSE I WAS JUST AIMING FOR YOURS!  
TT: Sigh.  
TT: Do I honestly have to play the schoolmarm here?  
TT: The parent who’s not angry, just very very disappointed?  
CG: YOU KNOW I DON’T HAVE ANY FUCKING CONTEXT FOR EITHER OF WHATEVER THOSE THINGS ARE!  
TT: Yes, well.  
TT: To be honest, neither do I.  
CG: UM  
TT: I’ll try to put it a little more universally.  
TT: Karkat, do I have to leave my room for an allotted amount of time, with the promise that if my printer is back on its shelf, unharmed, by the time I return, there won’t be hell to pay?  
TT: I’d rather not do that.  
TT: I think it'd be childish.  
TT: And also, if I’m being perfectly frank, I’m more than a little attached to the idea of exacting hell payments.  
CG: WOW  
CG: YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO MAKE A PERSON WANT TO OWN UP TO HIS CRIMES.  
CG: WHERE’D YOU LEARN THESE INCREDIBLE NEGOTIATING SKILLS, LALONDE?  
CG: DID YOU SPEND ALL YOUR TIME ON EARTH TALKING JUMPERS OFF OF ROOFS?  
CG: COAXING HOSTAGE TAKERS OUT OF CURRENCY VAULTS WITH THE PROMISE OF PIZZA AND A ROTOR-WINGED FLYING BUGGY?  
CG: I KNOW YOU WERE YOUNG, BUT MY GOD WITH SKILLS LIKE YOURS, WHO CARES??  
CG: YOU COULD’VE BEEN HUMAN DOOGIE HOWSER!!  
TT: This is unbelievable.  
TT: You're not even trying to deny it.  
CG: I’M FUCKING WORKING UP TO IT!  
CG: I’M GONNA DENY IT, BELIEVE YOU ME!  
CG: I’M JUST NOT DONE SHITTING ALL OVER YOU YET!  
TT: This is ridiculous.  
CG: I’VE GOT BIG SHIT PLANS, LALONDE!  
CG: IN FACT I JUST WHIPPED OUT MY SCHEDULE TO TAKE A LOOK AT THE DAY’S ACTIVITIES  
CG: AND HOO BOY  
CG: I AM NOWHERE *NEAR* DONE!  
TT: Well that’s really a shame, because I’m accelerating things here.  
CG: IT’S JUST A DAY CHOCK FUCKING FULL OF SHITTING!!  
TT: I have a new chapter on deck and I do _not_ have time for this.  
CG: A NEW CHAPTER OF WHAT?  
TT: That doesn't concern you.  
CG: LIKE HELL IT DOESN’T!  
TT: Of course it doesn’t!  
TT: Why would it  
TT: ...  
TT: This is absurd.  
TT: _Karkat._  
CG: _ROSE._  
TT: Why did you steal my printer?  
CG: THAT’S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!  
TT: So you admit it.  
TT: You took it.  
CG: MAYBE I DID!  
TT: No.  
TT: That wasn’t an accusation. It was a statement of fact.  
TT: You’ve just admitted to the crime.  
TT: For some reason now you’ve shifted tactics and are desperately trying to hide your motive.  
TT: But that’s where you’ve made your fateful error.  
TT: Because...  
TT: You see...  
TT: Karkat...  
TT: _I don’t give a shit._  
CG: WHAT??  
TT: It’s true.  
TT: Believe it or not, I couldn’t care less what nonsense you’re printing out in secret.  
TT: Which I can only assume is what you’re doing right now.  
TT: Unless this is all some bizarre, misplaced plot to use up all of my toner.  
TT: A crime which, mind you, would have warranted intense punishment back on Earth, where the stuff was more valuable than gold and infinitely more ephemeral.  
CG: WOW, REALLY?  
TT: Ah, sarcasm, the final bastion of shitty, unimaginative techniques of the perpetual aggressor.  
TT: Hammering yet another tap into that particular barrel, I see.  
CG: WHAT  
CG: NO  
CG: I’M NOT BEING SARCASTIC!  
CG: I’M ACTUALLY CURIOUS ABOUT THE TONER.  
TT: In what sense?  
CG: IT’S NOTHING  
CG: I JUST  
CG: REALLY GOT THE IMPRESSION YOUR STUPID HUMAN LAWS WERE A LOT MORE LAX THAN OURS ABOUT STUFF LIKE THAT.  
CG: HUH  
TT: Wait.  
CG: ?  
TT: That was...  
TT: That was _actually_ a crime on Alternia?  
CG: YEAH OF COURSE!  
TT: Huh...  
CG: OH GOD *FUCKING* DAMMIT!  
CG: *YOU* WERE BEING SARCASTIC!  
TT: Yes, of course!  
TT: Ugh.  
TT: No.  
TT: I refuse to be distracted by this!  
TT: My printer has unlimited toner because I crossed it with a copy of _The Neverending Story_ , and _that’s_ the kind of logic that evidently governs our existence these days.  
CG: THAT’S PRETTY CLEVER.  
TT: I know it is.  
TT: But that is also besides the point.  
TT: We are now returning to the _actual_ point, which is the return of my personal and highly essential property.  
CG: ...  
TT: What?  
TT: What are these ellipses supposed to mean?  
CG: ...  
TT: ??  
CG: IT’S A SCREENPLAY.  
TT: ...  
CG: OH NOW WHO’S FUCKING ELLIPSING??  
TT: A screenplay.  
CG: YES!  
CG: OK??  
CG: I’M WRITING A FUCKING SCREENPLAY!  
CG: I’VE BEEN WORKING ON IT FOR SWEEPS, ACTUALLY, NOT THAT YOU FUCKING CARE!  
CG: BUT I’M STUCK.  
CG: THE CHARACTERIZATION’S ALL FUCKED TO HELL, AND THE THIRD ACT IS THE KIND OF HOT GARBAGE THAT IF YOUR LUSUS LICKED IT YOU WOULDN’T LET HIM BACK IN THE HIVE FOR A WEEK!  
TT: I see.  
CG: IT’S NOT EVEN RISING OR FALLING ACTION!  
CG: WHATEVER ACTION THERE IS IS JUST FUCKING FLAILING AROUND LIMPLY LIKE A FILTHY SOCK IN A LIGHT BREEZE!  
TT: You know, I can’t speak for action without actually seeing the offending script, but your use of imagery isn’t bad.  
CG: FUCK YOU!  
TT: I’m being serious.  
CG: OH  
CG: UH  
CG: THANKS.  
CG: I GUESS.  
TT: You’re welcome.  
CG: BUT ANYWAY THAT WHOLE ACT  
CG: UGH  
CG: IT’S SO EMBARRASSING.  
CG: TO BE FAIR, I WROTE MOST OF IT BACK WHEN I WAS  
CG: GOD...  
CG: FIVE?  
CG: PROBABLY??  
CG: AND THAT PAST ME’S IDEAS ARE FUCKING *INDEFENSIBLE.*  
CG: BUT I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO COME UP WITH A WAY TO FUCKING FIX IT, SO MAYBE I’M NO BETTER!  
TT: Mm.  
CG: ANYWAY, I JUST...  
CG: I THOUGHT HAVING A HARD COPY TO SCRIBBLE AND SLASH ALL OVER MIGHT HELP THE EDITING PROCESS.  
CG: OR AT THE VERY LEAST MIGHT MAKE FOR SOME REALLY FUCKING CATHARTIC PAPER SHREDDING.  
TT: Yes, I know that feeling.  
CG: YEAH SO  
CG: YEAH  
CG: I STOLE YOUR PRINTER  
CG: I FUCKING *BORROWED* YOUR PRINTER!  
CG: IT’S ALMOST DONE, ACTUALLY.  
CG: I’LL BRING IT BACK TO YOU.  
CG: IF YOU...  
CG: IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE THE ROOM AND COME BACK TO IT MAGICALLY RETURNED TO YOUR SHELF...  
CG: THAT COULD BE ARRANGED.  
TT: Hmm.  
TT: I’m afraid with this explanation most of the magic would be lost.  
TT: Don’t you think?  
CG: YEAH, I GUESS IT WOULD.  
CG: WELL, I’LL BRING IT BACK ANYWAY, AND YOU CAN SIT THERE AND CATCH ME IN THE ACT AND BE NOT ANGRY BUT DISAPPOINTED, IF YOU WANT.  
CG: IT’S NOT LIKE I DON’T DESERVE IT.  
TT: ...  
TT: I’m writing a novel.  
CG: YEAH, OBVIOUSLY!  
TT: I’m sorry?  
CG: YOU SAID YOU HAD A NEW CHAPTER!  
CG: WHAT ELSE COULD IT POSSIBLY BE?  
TT: Oh sweet Christ.  
CG: WHAT  
TT: Karkat.  
CG: WHAT????  
TT: I’m making an effort here.  
TT: I’m reaching across the aisle.  
CG: OH.  
TT: I’m trying to find common ground.  
TT: Build a conversation.  
CG: FUCK.  
TT: The least you can do is drop the petulant fuckboy attitude for one minute.  
CG: UM.  
TT: Five minutes at the most. It’ll be brief.  
TT: I promise.  
TT: Then you can resume as you were.  
CG: OK.  
CG: SORRY.  
TT: Thank you.  
CG: UH  
CG: WHAT’S YOUR NOVEL ABOUT?  
TT: Gay wizards.  
CG: OH  
CG: THAT’S  
CG: UH  
CG: THAT’S INTERESTING.  
TT: Thank you.  
TT: I think so.  
CG: OK.  
TT: What’s your screenplay about?  
CG: WHOA  
CG: NO  
CG: I AM ABSOLUTELY NOT TELLING YOU THAT!  
TT: Are you serious?  
TT: I told you about mine.  
CG: NO YOU FUCKING DIDN’T!  
CG: YOU TOLD ME *TWO WORDS!*  
CG: AND BOTH OF THOSE WORDS, FOR YOUR INFORMATION, DIDN'T EVEN EXIST ON MY PLANET!  
TT: Oh that’s right, I completely forgot!  
TT: Books can only be about things that _exist._  
CG: UGGH  
TT: Well hell.  
TT: Now I’m just going to have to scrap this whole fucking project.  
CG: FOR FUCK’S SAKE.  
TT: Just launch it straight off the meteor.  
TT: I hope no errant ghosts find it and peruse it.  
TT: They might get picked up by the _fiction police_ for reading a story that’s _not true._  
CG: OH MY GOD.  
CG: YOU ARE SO FUCKING LIKE DAVE SOMETIMES.  
CG: IT’S DISGUSTING.  
TT: Hmm...  
CG: WHAT?  
TT: Oh it’s nothing.  
CG: GOOD.  
TT: Only...  
CG: OH MY GOD  
TT: This is the second time Dave has come up in this conversation.  
CG: AHHHHHHHHHHH  
TT: Both times at _your_ behest, I might add.  
CG: ROSE I SWEAR TO FUCK.  
TT: And you seem inordinately hung up on the fictionalization of written material...  
CG: I’M NOT HUNG UP ON SHIT!  
CG: THAT WAS A THROWAWAY INSULT AT BEST!  
CG: YOU’RE THE ONE WHO MADE IT INTO A WHOLE “THING”!  
TT: Also, given what I know about your proclivities in film, thanks to extensive complaining from Dave...  
CG: OH NOW WHO’S FUCKING BRINGING HIM UP?  
CG: WAIT  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DID HE SAY?  
CG: DOES HE COMPLAIN ABOUT MY MOVIES??  
TT: Only in an ironically long-suffering way, I assure you.  
TT: In fact, the extent and fervor of these venting sessions (or “vesh seshes,” as he has dubiously taken to calling them) lead me to believe he actually quite enjoys them.  
TT: Not to mention how the frequency of said seshes encourages the drawing of certain... shall we say... parallels.  
CG: WHAT THE *FUCK* DOES THAT MEAN?  
CG: PARALLELS??  
TT: Sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself.  
TT: My original point was merely to muse on just how... _fictionalized_ your story is.  
CG: WHAT??  
TT: Could there be grains of truth to it?  
TT: Is it... dare I say... speculative fiction?  
CG: OH MY FUCKING  
CG: AUUUUGH  
CG: ROSE  
CG: NEED I REMIND YOU I STILL HAVE YOUR FUCKING PRINTER IN MY CUSTODY?  
CG: I ONLY NEED IT TO BE IN ONE PIECE FOR ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES AT THE MOST.  
CG: HOW MUCH LONGER WERE *YOU* PLANNING ON IT STAYING AMONGST THE LIVING?  
TT: ...  
TT: It seems we’re at an impasse.  
CG: YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT WE ARE.  
TT: Alright.  
TT: Fine.  
TT: I won’t probe this throbbing boil of a “secret” anymore.  
TT: God knows I don’t want it to burst and smear its sickly, saccharine contents all over my stylish yellow tunic.  
CG: GREAT.  
CG: ME NEITHER.  
TT: Just out of curiosity...  
CG: ...  
TT: On a totally different subject...  
CG: ...  
TT: A complete non-sequitur...  
CG: ...  
CG: OH MY FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT?  
TT: Have you let Dave read this mysterious screenplay?  
CG: ABSOLUTELY THE FUCK NOT!  
TT: But you two are becoming such good friends.  
TT: I was under the impression you shared practically everything.  
CG: NO.  
CG: WRONG.  
CG: WRONG.  
CG: SO WRONG.  
TT: I’m getting the sense you think I’m wrong.  
CG: OH ARE YOU??  
TT: Ha.  
CG: WE SHARE LIKE  
CG: CHIPS  
CG: AND THE COUCH  
CG: AND MUSIC  
CG: OR REALLY HE SHARES HIS STUPID FUCKING MUSIC.  
CG: AND I JUST KIND OF LET IT GET SHARED *AT* ME.  
TT: That’s not nothing.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK EVER!  
CG: THE *POINT* IS THIS IS SO FUCKING FAR FROM THAT!  
CG: IT IS SO FIRMLY IN THE CATEGORY OF THINGS WE DON’T SHARE, IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY!  
CG: IT’S DEADLY FUCKING SERIOUS!  
TT: It certainly sounds it.  
CG: FUCK!  
CG: HE  
CG: HE WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND IT.  
TT: Hm.  
TT: Maybe not.  
CG: GREAT!  
CG: WE AGREE!  
CG: CONVERSATION OVER!  
TT: I’m not actually suggesting you show it to him, by the way.  
CG: AREN’T YOU??  
TT: No.  
TT: Despite what you may think, Karkat, I am not among the scrabbling hordes supposedly dead-set on making your existence a living hell.  
CG: THAT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LEADING THE FUCKING CHARGE!  
TT: Ha.  
TT: Maybe sometimes.  
TT: But not in this instance.  
CG: OH REALLY??  
TT: Really really.  
CG: WHAT  
CG: THE  
CG: FUCK  
CG: ARE YOU QUOTING HUMAN SHREK AT ME???  
TT: I don’t think you should show your screenplay to Dave.  
TT: Not right now, anyway.  
TT: That would likely do more harm than good.  
TT: But...  
CG: ???  
CG: BUT WHAT?  
TT: Maybe someday.  
TT: He might understand more than you think.  
TT: He might surprise you.  
CG: UM.  
TT: Bring me back my printer, fuckass.  


tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]  



End file.
